Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Still dying that you shit outside
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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