i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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