I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
