i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
