I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
