I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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