so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
