it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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