Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
