Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
