He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
