haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
