i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
