I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
