the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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