You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
barbara walters just said penis...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
