I CAN MOONWALK!
I met the friendliest cop last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
