it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
