I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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