dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
