Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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