I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
