just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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