Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
