So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
