is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
