the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
