you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
