how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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