exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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