i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
