I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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