I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
