Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
