I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
