so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
