just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
no you cant smoke seaweed
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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