We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
