I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
