i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
