Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
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