i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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