Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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