the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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