Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
