the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
