you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
