He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
