So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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