dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
