Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
